Monday, April 16, 2012

N is for Negative Pregnancy Tests


is for Negative Pregnancy Tests.

A little over two years ago, JP and I tried to adopt an eight-year-old boy, but it fell through due to an out-of-province move. Being people who tend to do things backwards, we decided that since adopting was too hard, we'd make one of our own instead.

Two years later, we're starting to see the flaw in our logic.

Trying unsuccessfully to make a baby month after month comes with its own set of crazy-making side effects. For instance, there's the brief but bitter jealousy of the heavily pregnant woman in the grocery store. Or the unreasonably annoyed response to the fake pregnancy announcement on Facebook. Or the imaginary symptoms that set in long before real ones would ever take up residence in the body.

While they might be unpleasant, these reactions didn't really come as a surprise to me. They're logical and understandable, if not always pretty.

But I've also been struck by a strange affliction that I could never have predicted:

I'm addicted to peeing on stuff.

No, really. Unless you've taken pregnancy tests, it's hard to understand just how addictive they are. I take three or four tests every month. I buy them in value packs, to save money*.

*There is nothing frugal about taking three or four tests every month, even if I do try to delude myself that the value packs are a "good deal".

As soon as I've taken one, I'm itching to open the package and take another one.

I mean, what if the first one was wrong?

Or what if I wasn't pregnant enough for the first one to work, but now - 3 minutes later - I'm just a bit more pregnant and now the test will work?

And so what if my husband's been gone all month, and it's physically impossible for me to be pregnant? Shouldn't I take a test anyway, just in case?

What if I'm bored and I just want to pee on more stuff?

JP and I are at a point now where we know that we could be happy with or without children. We just want to know. It's the waiting and the wondering that are the hardest.

But I'm afraid that even if we were absolutely sure that I would never get pregnant, I'd still feel compelled to pee on anything that even vaguely resembled a pregnancy test.








Addicted to peeing on stuff.

It's a real thing.

We should probably hold a fundraiser.

Please note: if you're tempted to write "Just relax, it will happen" in the comments, please don't, because...

a) I'm already so relaxed that I'm bordering on inert.
b) there are things that you just shouldn't say to someone with an uncooperative uterus.


This is one of those things that you shouldn't say.


. . . .

A Clay Baboons Alphablog: 26 Things That Annoy Me, Confuse Me, Creep Me Out, or Otherwise Make My Life More Difficult.





Edited to link up with Yeah Write. This is my second week joining in on the Yeah Write fun. It's a very supportive online writing community that showcases some beautiful writing!



194 comments:

  1. This post was hilarious! It completely cracked me up :D Keep these posts coming, I LOVE them :D
    M x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. More than half-way through the alphabet. I'm thinking I might not even quit!

      Delete
  2. Ha! I bet peeing on a thermometer has happened to a confused pregnant woman before. (PS, I LOVE the 'things you shouldn't say to a woman trying to get preggers' post).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Gia! Confused....or ADDICTED? Ha!

      Delete
  3. hahahahahahaha omg this is such a funny post!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't laugh too hard. You might pee. Unless that's what you're aiming for. Ha!

      Delete
  4. to be honest, stephanie, this post makes me chuckle (peeing on sticks, esp your knitting needle reference), but my heart also goes out to you and jp. hug!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Love this post! I know the journey all too well. I wrote a "Relax" blog post as part of Resolve's National Infertility Awareness Week last year. :)

    http://leavethebourbon.blogspot.com/2011/03/relax-youll-get-pregnant-when-youre.html#!/2011/03/relax-youll-get-pregnant-when-youre.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aaaaand...I just left a comment on your post. One year late to the party. ;)

      Delete
  6. I think peeing on JP will most definitely NOT get you pregnant. Just so you know. Funny and sweet post, you rock! Oh and DO NOT RELAX... whatever you do... hump hump and hump again... and maybe try standing on your head. Love Elle xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my god, I laughed out loud at this comment. Too funny.

      Delete
  7. This is normally where I say something stupid, so I'm going with "I love your clay people" instead. Seriously, though, I am hoping for whatever path makes you happiest (and keeps you building funny little clay people). xoxo Mar

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Marianne! I have a good life. I'll continue having a good life no matter what! :)

      Delete
  8. I love it! I have definitely developed an addiction to peeing on things as well! =)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Seriously. It's really bizarre how those pee sticks call to me from the cupboard...

      Delete
  9. Steph, I think you're doing it wrong.
    You need to eat every bean and pea on your plate.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh crap! I don't really like beans. Well, that explains a lot...

      Delete
  10. This post is PRICELESS!! So funny and spot on! I peed on things for YEARS. Not 3 years. Not 5 years. Not even a decade. But 13 years. 21-34. The very worst thing people said was "just relax. It will happen for you.". Oh, you're omniscient? I never knew!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my lord. 13 YEARS?!?! That's insane. Oh well, at least when you relaxed at the end of those 13 years, you ende up with a kidlet or two. Now if only you'd followed that awesome advice years earlier... Ha!

      Delete
  11. Replies
    1. also: if we ever do meet in person, remind me not to bring anything stick-like.

      Delete
    2. You might also want to keep your hands balled into fists, since there's no telling what I might do if I see fingers.

      (OK, that was just gross. Sorry.)

      Delete
    3. I move my hands a lot, so you'd actually have to hold me down to pee on my fingers. And then it wouldn't be an accident. *suspicious glare*

      Delete
  12. Oh, those annoy me for sure! I've stared so hard at the single line that I think I burned it into my retina because when I look away from the pee stick all I see is damn single line!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! I always think I see a shadow of a double line. And then I realize...nope...that's just an actual shadow.

      Delete
  13. Relax.. peeing on things is cool. Dogs do it all the time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ARGH!!! YOU TOLD ME TO RELAX!!!!

      (And also, this is fake yelling. Ha!)

      I have yet to try lifting one leg. It might have different results!

      Delete
  14. I'm laughing and crying all at the same time, because I swear we are living the same life (in different countries.) I totally get it.

    PS: If you're truly addicted to peeing on stuff, may I suggest buying a fertility monitor? You get to pee on stuff every single day. Like, it's required, and stuff.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah...no. I think that would make me obsessive. As it is, I only get obsessive a few days a month. But I can definitely see the appeal...

      Delete
  15. God I was so grouchy today, then I read this!

    Brilliantly funny as always Stephanie.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Thanks Lily! I'm kind of happy that I made you ungrouchy. I mean, what with being the mother of Satan and all, you certainly deserve it. Ha!

      Delete
  16. This sort of makes me want to pee on stuff myself.

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  17. This is great. I love how you feel compelled to mark your territory.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I never thought of it in that way. You know...you're right. It's really an instinctive sort of thing.

      Delete
  18. I love how you've taken a subject that's clearly sensitive and difficult for you, Stephanie, and have managed to find humor in the situation. Laughter may not get you pregnant, but it certainly does help to cope with disappointment and frustration.

    As for your pee-tiful situation, I just read your excellent post about having an uncooperative uterus, so I'll just say: "That sucks. I'm sorry that it hasn't worked out yet. I hope that it happens for you soon." :)

    ReplyDelete
  19. All I can do, Stephanie is send you a hug and tell you to Stop Peeing On Things!! ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran, it's an addiction. It's really not as simple as saying "don't do it". Ha!

      Delete
  20. Thank you thank you thank you for posting this! After 2 miscarriages last year, my hubby and I are desperate to get pregnant again. Everyone makes it look so easy...not even trying and they are pregnant and 9 months later, out pops a healthy baby. I can't even hold onto one longer than 12 weeks.

    I've taken to using OPKs, which allows me to pee on something daily and without having to give a reason! My hubby teases me about peeing on anything and everything...the obsession really is real though. Thanks for making it known :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I had a miscarriage a year and a half ago. I'm so very sorry for your losses. :(

      I don't think I'll go the OPK route...it would make me even MORE obsessive. At least this way it's only a few days a month.

      Delete
  21. Arggh. I love how you are able to find humor in the most difficult of situations. However you want things to work out, that's what I want for you. And really, peeing on things, for women, is not the easiest thing to do, so I applaud your persistence.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, if I could choose, then I would want a baby. But I'm open to the possibility that that might not be in our future! And I may have accidentally peed on the toilet seat more than once. Not that I'd ever admit to that on a public blog.

      Delete
  22. FYI - I posted a similar entry in my blog a couple months ago:

    http://suchislife10.blogspot.com/2012/02/2ww-crazy-alter-egos.html

    ReplyDelete
  23. Great post! the ovulation sticks were the ones that messed with my head more and made me want to keep peeing on stuff. Is this the darkest pink??? Wait, no that was yesterday! crap... another month of confusion about how to maximize my kiddo-potential.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've never done the OPKs and don't really plan on it. But the way you describe them gives me such a great mental image. I'm picturing using one of those old wooden metre sticks from school and gluing on pink paint chips from lightest to darkest, and then measuring your sticks against it. Ha! I totally want to do that now!

      Delete
  24. hahaha The post itself is hilarious, but I do hope that whatever happens will make you happy.

    ReplyDelete
  25. I'm totally addicted to peeing on stuff too! But it has to be some sort of thing that makes lines appear, like an OPK, because then I feel like my pee is magic and makes stuff happen. I like having magic pee. :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. BAHAHAHAHAHA! No! With the pee...and the magic...and the... I can't. Dying laughing over here.

      Delete
  26. I think you may just start a "peeing on stuff" trend in the blog-verse. This could be followed by treating jellyfish stings. :)

    -Barb the French Bean

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    Replies
    1. I won't mention the fact that my husband was stung by a sea urchin and peed on himself. I'd hate to embarrass him like that.

      Delete
    2. Of course not. Why ever would you do that to him? ;)

      Delete
  27. I totally relate to this post. My husband and I have been trying for 12 years with no luck at all. But even after all these years I still behave irrationally almost every month. Every time I feel a little queasy or extra tired I think, “maybe I’m pregnant” even though it has only been a few days. We tell ourselves that it just isn’t meant to be and we will be ok not having kids. Still not sure if I really feel that way or I just say that to make it ok. I wish you the best of luck though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 12 years?!? Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry. Honestly, I think I would be ok without kids...but I want to KNOW. If only the world were that black and white.

      Delete
  28. I *so* get this! So so get this.

    I used to buy strips direct from the manufacturer. No fancy plastic covers, just the dip strip. Much more economical. After we managed to have a few successful pregnancies, I noticed that my strips were going to expire. Not wanting to waste them, I went ahead and peed on them anyway. Somehow, that felt less wasteful LOL

    BTW... the Dollar Tree brand of HPTs are as reliable, if not more than, some of the major brands. And cheaper!

    ~Lynn
    http://www.acommonsea.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahaha! I love the idea of you peeing on a bunch of sticks, just so that you don't waste them. Funny! Thanks for the tip re: the dollar store. I've always been a bit suspicious of them.

      Delete
  29. This was such a great post. I am sorry about all the things people have said to you regarding your uncooperative lady parts. Emotional rollercoasters are not my cup of tea. I wish you and JP all the best and much happiness however things turn out.

    My boys seemed to have your same addiction to peeing on things. They peed on my roses, in our friends' garage, in the back yard. I suppose if it makes you feel better, then PEE AWAY! :-) (Except for maybe on the food you're going to eat. That might not be so nice for all involved.)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Hee hee. "Lady parts". Don't worry. I don't ACTUALLY pee on my food. I only added that for comedic effect. And the fact that I feel the need to clarify that says a lot about me.

      Delete
  30. There are worse addictions that this, but hopefully things will work out for you in the end! I am addicted to your blog, but would never pee on it. Funny stuff!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you tried to pee on my blog, you'd probably just end up shorting out your keyboard. It would be counterproductive.

      Delete
  31. You should not relax. You should be uptight. I think you are just way too relaxed!!! those sperm are just floating around, looking to party, and that egg is just relaxing, maybe even dancing and snacking on easter candy. NO NO NO. Be uptight! Give that egg some computer data entry work to do and some impossible deadlines!!! the more uptight, the better.

    On a personal note, I took the pregnancy test when I was already pregnant (about 4 weeks) with Short, and it was negative. I thought, oh well, and then I ordered a big ol' martini. Of course, I took the test again 2 weeks later and was preggers. I spent the next 7 1/2 months freaking out that my baby would have fetal alcohol syndrome (he did not). So, my point is, the more pregnancy tests, the better. If I had taken 3 more tests, maybe I would not have reached for the drink menu. Hmmmmmmm.

    great post, as usual!

    best,
    MOV

    ReplyDelete
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    1. This comment made me laugh out loud. You're right! I AM too relaxed! And also, when we were on vacation, I drank every single night. I halfway figured that it would guarantee that I'd be pregnant. Ha!

      Delete
  32. Ah Man. I don't know what it's like to get frustrated about a negative pee stick but I know what it's like for people to say stupid things to you when you are having a tough time. With my first baby my water ruptured at 33 weeks, and my last baby was born with a congenital heart defect. So yeah. lol. People can say some pretty insensitive things even the most well meaning folk.

    That being said I think your pee fetish and blog is hilarious and I hope one day your need to pee on sticks pays off and you get two beautiful lines.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. That must have been really scary. I'm sorry that you had such difficulty with your pregnancies. For the most part, I really do think that people mean well...but just because they mean well, that doesn't mean that they're thinking.

      Delete
  33. I had a preggo scare in the other direction--My period stopped, and although I knew it was for health reasons and that I hadn't had sex in about a year--I still peed on about ten tests JUST IN CASE. And yup, take one, three minutes later? Maybe my hormones have suddenly changed. Bulk stores ought to start selling them. A 50-pack? That should last a week. Maybe.

    Loving your hilarious posts as always. All tests should come in a pee-version!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This made me laugh. Sympathetically. I can imagine how nerve-wracking that must have been! Fact: you will never see so many pregnant women than when you're a) not pregnant and wish that you were or b) afraid that you're pregnant when it's not what you want.

      Delete
    2. And also, now I'm imagining you peeing on the text you're supposed to be editing. Take THAT, person who still doesn't know the difference between there and their!

      Delete
    3. Can I pee on my writers who use apostrophes to pluralize words? Ohh, if that doesn't deserve it, I don't know what does.

      Delete
  34. I have a friend who bought the preg test strips in bullk (150 of them) on ebay. It's not quite as substantial as the big stick kind, but more economical when you can't refrain from peeing on them.

    I sometimes take a pregnancy test when my period is late, even though I know that I'm not pregnant. But what if I were to get wasted (I never do that) and I was pregnant and didn't know?!

    I really enjoyed your What Not to Say post when you first wrote it, so I'm going to read it again. Just because.

    I'm pretty careful about what I say to people, and try to never minimize or invalidate what they're going through. I hope I never do that unintentionally.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I honestly wonder if I'd go through the entire pack in a month if I bought those. Five a day? Sounds about reasonable! Ha!

      Delete
  35. I would just like to add, from a budgeting standpoint, that you can buy completely valid pregnancy tests from the Dollar Tree for just a dollar each. I think Walmart has one dollar ones also. Just saying.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! I've always been a bit wary of the dollar store tests. But really...what's the difference, right?

      Delete
  36. This post is awesome. I can say that I've been pregnant twice and not once have I ever seen a positive pregnancy test. They hate me, so I hate them back. But even after 8 1/2 of trying and knowing the impossibility of me actually getting pregnant - there is still that small, teeny, tiny glimmer of hope that maybe the pee sticks will like me one day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I didn't know that you'd had two losses. So sorry to hear that. :(

      Stupid pee-sticks!

      Delete
  37. I had a goooood chuckle!!
    I love your light-hearted approach to this sensitive subject... and I know eggsactly what you are talking about...
    I've been there... done that... got the t-shirt... the trophy... the Oscar... and the Lifetime Achievement Award... LOL! Nothing doing!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There's a t-shirt? How many sticks do I have to pee on before I get mine?

      Delete
  38. I am after all only the eccentric child of cybrspace so know nothing so all I can say dont try, but enjoy the process of not trying. Afer all these things help to bond a relationship with your partner as well as sometimes producing children. I refer to the S word but as I am an eccentric child I am still at the stage of super glueing the cat to the skateboard.

    Anyway the point is just enjoy the S word and leave the rest to fate, no need to pee on things..... Our cats do that

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So how does the cat feel about the superglue?

      Delete
  39. Oh my heart goes out to you. I know just what this feels like. You just want so much for that damn stick to read pregnant. I totally understand. It's actually heartbreaking. Everyone else gets to have babies. Other women get pregnant accidentally. Other couples get pregnant as soon as they try. It sucks beans, doesn't it?

    I know what you mean about wanting to feel the symptoms before it's even possible to have symptoms. Don't give up. I'm rooting for you. It's totally understandable how you feel. I feel it too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! I actually feel like a toddler stamping her foot sometimes: "Everyone else gets to have babies!". Best of luck to both of us! :)

      Delete
  40. FYI, there are pregnancy tests in with the candy at our dollar store. I don't think I've seen them cheaper than $1--that's almost worth saving you from peeing on anything else...$1 a pee? Not bad! Love this post!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. At that price...I could buy the tests AND the candy!

      Delete
  41. Oh my god was this funny. At first I laughed when I saw you title in my reader...Then I felt bad as I started reading...then I lost when the addicted to peeing on things part came up! Hilarious. I say don't relax, drop and give me twenty and go pee on your dog's pee...that'll freak him out

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And now I'm picturing a never-ending loop of pee-one-upmanship with my dog.

      Delete
  42. Wow...addicted to peeing on stuff. Cannot wait for one of our tv channels to pick that one up (actually, there's a "My strange addiction" show...I look forward to seeing you on it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, no, no. Even the thought of that show gives me the heebie-jeebies. Eating pillows? Gah. Freaky.

      Peeing on stuff is NORMAL. Billions of dogs do it every single day.

      Delete
  43. I know what it is like to want to pee on stuff. Although, it is for a different reason. Guys just like to pee on stuff.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. See? I told you it's a real thing! But then, I suppose those of the male persuasion didn't need to be convinced of that.

      Delete
  44. GO you for doing this one! I love it. And I hope it gets tweeted everywhere ... not because people should know about your particular "pee obsession," but because people should KNOW.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Justine! I'm going to be a famous peeing crusader. Ha!

      Delete
  45. There is something wonderful about filling up a cup with urine and handing it to a nurse because it's her job. I feel like I'm getting away with something. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bahaha! Oh my. I'm afraid I'm not with you on that one. I prefer to be selfish and keep my pee to myself.

      Delete
  46. My sympathies on the peeing addiction. Been there, done that. I didn't get a t-shirt either. I snorted at the peeing on JP comment too, though. That was hilarious.

    Best of luck on finding out - I hope the information is availble for you.

    Way to make an unfortunate situation hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OK, I'm glad that I'm not the only one who was cheated out of a t-shirt! I laughed out loud at a lot of the comments on this post...people are hilarious.

      Delete
  47. The carrot was my favorite! I was once peeling a carrot, and got distracted. Then I couldn't remember where I had put it. I looked everywhere. No, I hadn't peed on it. I'd put it in the dishwasher.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Baha! I had to reread your post, because I thought you said "I was once peeing on a carrot". I love that you put it in the dishwasher. Too funny.

      Delete
  48. please be careful peeing on the knitting needles. make sure the needles are, you know, horizontal.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the advice. I was wondering what I was doing wrong...

      Delete
  49. uhm, hi, we havent met.

    i'd just like to say that this is the coolest idea for a blog everrrr!!!

    and this post was hilarious.

    love your blog! /follows/
    f-a-i-r-y-l-i-g-h-t-s.blogspot.com
    ^ -seedy wink-

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Catherine! Welcome! (And now we've met.)

      Delete
  50. I wish I could meet you. Or your clay person. But now I'm afraid you might pee on me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So far, I've managed to refrain from peeing on any living creatures.

      Delete
  51. I about died laughing reading this. It took us about 11 months for my first, and I remember that obsession pretty well.

    This is a great post--you are a great writer. But I'll pass on your vegetable soup.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! Don't worry...I haven't made soup in a long, long time.

      Delete
  52. OH MY WORD! I can't stop laughing. This is awesome!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Mags! I'm glad my strange addiction is able to bring you some joy. Ha!

      Delete
  53. Oh God. I have the peeing on stuff addiction too. And when I keep peeing on pregnancy tests that come up negative? I start peeing on Ovulation tests because at least it will have two lines.

    It's a sickness. We are on year three now :( good luck to you! <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! I haven't tried ovulation tests yet. Honestly, I think that's the point of no return. Pregnancy tests are the gateway drug. Now you're into the hard stuff.

      Delete
  54. I reckon I'd feel like pissing on everything too!
    When I was stuck on that mountainside over Easter, I took our survival situation as the opportunity to try drinking my own pee - shhh. If we had to drink our own pee to fall pregnant...we wouldn't be here talking right now, there would be no-one here talking right now.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. What? You were stuck on a mountainside over Easter? I know nothing about this! Was it on your blog? (I'm having feed issues with your blog...it never shows up in my reader.)

      Delete
  55. Just because your husband is gone doesn't mean you can't be pregnant. I think if you two have sex in a dream, you can still get pregnant.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Interesting. I think that you should probably get a job teaching sex ed. The world must know!

      Delete
  56. I had a negative one yesterday too. Fuck everything.

    ReplyDelete
  57. I agree with some other commenters that you are probably too relaxed. I've heard that you need to be at least a little uptight to get pregnant. I think getting into a peeing contest with your dog would add just the right amount of anxiety to your life.

    I didn't realize you'd had an adoption fall through. I'm so sorry!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, it didn't go far enough to actually say that it "fell through". We didn't have a particular child assigned to us or anything...we were still starting in the home study phase. But I do like the idea of the peeing contest with the dog!

      Delete
  58. Ha! This made me laugh, as I am still recovering from peeing-on-stuff-itis myself. Infertility sucks and I hope you get your lucky stick soon. ( Then you can keep peeing on everything, just to prove it's still positive.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Peeing-on-stuff-itis! I didn't know it had a name! I feel so less alone now... Ha!

      Delete
  59. We had a rough time of trying as well and YES. Pee on ALL THE THINGS. I spent so much money on things to pee on, it's just unreal.

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    Replies
    1. I don't even want to think about calculating how much I've spent. Dollar store, here I come! I didn't realize that I could get tests there...

      Delete
  60. This made me laugh and a little sad too. I know that disappointed feeling, when you see that negative result, all too well. Keep peeing, there's no such thing as peeing too often and on too many pregnancy test. It just takes one positive (or in my case four)!

    p.s: it's too funny that we've both linked up to Yeah Write with pregnancy test related story. I'm just sorry the endings were so different.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know. I had to laugh when I saw your title. I think I'll be like you if I ever get a positive...four in a row! Ha!

      Delete
  61. If peeing on stuff makes you happy, go for it. But not on carrots I may eat, because that's just not cool. So relaxed you're almost inert. Love that line.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just say no if I invite you over for dinner. ;)

      Delete
  62. Dollar Tree sells pregnancy tests for ONE DOLLAR. I bought a crapload then peed on a crapload. When the dollar test said positive, I bought a $15 just to be sure, which was kinda silly, now that I think about it. Save your money. Those dollar tests are accurate, and I shouldn't have doubted them. Sorry, dollar tests. Go, Stephanie. You can do it. Oh, wait. That was wrong, wasn't it?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. And this is what people keep telling me! Interesting! We don't have Dollar Tree here, but I'll definitely be taking a look at the dollar store. And it made me laugh, so it can't be wrong. ;)

      Delete
  63. I desperately wish I could read all these comments. I bet they are just golden! I won't tell you to relax and I won't pretend to understand, cause I don't. But I feel for you, and I'm with Michelle - don't pee on my food, mmk?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They are FUNNY. I have the funniest weirdos reading my blog. Ha! But yeah, I haven't crossed the line into peeing on food. Yet.

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  64. I didn't read all the comments but I bet, just a hunch, there are others buying the value packs. I wish there was something other than a pregnancy test we could let you apply this "addiction" to. Here's the question (I don't want to say relax or anything wrong) if you get a positive, will you stop "testing"?

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    1. Probably. Eventually. But I'd probably need to see a few positives before I'd believe it! I'm going to check out the dollar store. Apparently they sell tests there. Who knew?

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  65. My best friend had these same thoughts and same struggles. She wrote a post about loving to pee on things! A test is a test in my opinion!

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    1. I'm glad I'm not the only one! It's really a very strange hobby. Ha!

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  66. So funny. But now those who know you personally might be a little worried about eating things you make....especially if it's a salad containing carrots. Good thoughts sent your way that your uterus will cooperate sooner rather than later.

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    1. I'll just hope that the people who know me didn't read this post. ;) Thanks for the good thoughts!

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  67. OMG it doesn't go away once you get two pink lines. I'm not even trying for a third one and I'm addicted. It's really bad. I took two this month and I'm pretty sure it is not possible since hubby works out of town now.

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    1. Oh no! You mean there's absolutely no hope of ever beating this?

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  68. You are SOOOO right! ANYONE who thinks telling you to relax is okay should be peed on. Go ahead. You have my permission. I'll pee on 'em too. LOVE your post and your blog!

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  69. I once peed on one of those things. I was not pregnant. Fortunately, my peeing-on-things stopped shortly after that. I was one of the lucky ones who didn't succumb to the urinating-on-things gateway drug of pregnancy tests.

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    1. Bahaha @ pregnancy tests being a gateway drug. I'm totally stealing that and pretending I made it up myself.

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  70. You have a market for teenage girls.. Kind of like guys who pee in a cup for roid rage teammates...

    I didn't read the list of things not to say.
    Have you tried more sex? After eating bananas? While on a merry go round?

    One of those would be offensive if I wasn't a marshmallow.

    WG
    http://itsmynd.com

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    1. Merry-go-rounds? Crap! THAT's what I've been doing wrong all this time! Ha!

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  71. I seriously thought I'd already commented on this, but I guess my comment was eaten by the comment monster who happens to be a cousin to the monster who steals all the socks from the dryer.

    I think that you're okay. As far as addictions go, peeing on stick-like objects and/or pregnancy tests seems fairly harmless. I mean, you could be addicted to something scary like stabbing people. So, yeah, I think you're good.

    PS - if this is a duplicate comment, my bad. If you can't tell, I like your post :)

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    1. Oh, this is so true. If I ever get mad and want to stab someone, I'll probably just pee on the knife instead. My addiction might even SAVE LIVES.

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  72. ha. sorry that this has been a frustrating process for you. the not knowing part is tough! this is so great about the peeing part, you don't mention the adrenaline rush every time you take a test {or at least I have} not knowing if your life is going to change or not :)

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    1. For sure I feel a bit of adrenaline! It's kind of nerve-wracking.

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  73. I'm sorry this has been so tough on you. I also read your "things not to say..." post and that was hilarious. But, I do need to make a note to myself - If there's any chance of meeting you in person, I should wear a raincoat. Just in case. :)

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    1. Or just keep a decent distance. I have yet to master peeing at a distance.

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  74. i am so on the same page... i pee on three or four at the end of every month, even if i know i'm getting the cramps. because what if they're wrong? what if i got a bad one? what if my pee didn't have the right amount of hormone in it? ugh.

    also: i have a strict policy to headsmack anyone who tells me i just need to relax. jackhats.

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  75. Ask any woman, most men pee everywhere except the toilet.

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    1. Is that true? I thought it was a myth.

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  76. There is a whole website dedicated to peeing on sticks (sorry if you've seen it before) -- evaluates all the pregnancy tests - I think the person that runs it may be your "peeing on things" soul mate!!

    http://www.peeonastick.com/

    Still love your blog - so glad MOV sent us over here a while back!!

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    1. Never heard of that one! Ha! Thanks for sharing...will go take a look.

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  77. Sorry, you had to go through all that but you have made it so hilarious on the clay baboons.

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    1. Thanks...I'm all for laughing at the unfunny stuff!

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  78. It's easy to get addicted if it's fun. I remember pregnancy scares quite vividly. I may have cried as a result of anxiety before taking the test, and I cried tears a joy after the test, but during...nothing was more fun than peeing on that stick.

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    1. Honestly...I don't think it's fun, exactly. It's just something I do. I could see that it might be fun at first, when you're new to trying...but at this point it's actually kind of annoying.

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  79. I have peed in a bush, and in a gutter! Oh, wait, that is because I was in my twenties, and I was drunk!

    Ahhhh, yes, the pregnancy test valu-packs! Much better deal;)

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    1. Bahaha! That's my mistake! I should have been doing them drunk all along!

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  80. I usually pee my pants, but I think peeing on stuff would be way more fun!

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    1. Ha! Of course you pee your pants. Why wouldn't you? After all, it's wildly inappropriate.

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  81. I can't wait until you get to the letter, "P." Ellen

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    1. SOrry to disappoint...P was pyjamas. ;)

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  82. Ya know, although I'm only hoping and not trying (or not allowed to), I've never actually heard/read of people going through that same stuff. Thanks for making me feel a little more sane.
    Tina

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    1. Not allowed to try? For medical reasons or because it's not the right timing? Honestly, I'm shocked at how many people can relate to this post. I kind of figured they'd just think I was a weirdo. Ha!

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  83. O and P are for Ostentatiously Perfect!

    You MUST market your PEE Meme. Go forth and multiply! (I mean the clay pics, you told me not to say anything about the other thing.)

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    1. Is this a meme? Honestly, I don't really understand memes...

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  84. I feel for you. You may be interested in branching out to peeing on Ovulation tests....

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    1. Noooooo. Ovulation tests are the hard stuff. I'm sticking to the gateway pee sticks for now.

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  85. There should be a group for it. Like 'Stick Pee'ers Anonymous'. (I honestly don't know how to spell pee-ers). I'm totally addicted to it and I have EVERY ONE of those stupid fake preggo symptoms every month. Even after the negative tests. Bah. I do the ovulation tests too. It gives you an extra 20 sticks to pee on per month. Fun.

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    1. No opk for me! I think my addiction would get out of control. But I'm not going to lie...i can see the appeal of 20 more sticks!

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  86. I've so been there! Near the end of my journey I found these black dye tests on ebay (I can't remember what they are called... an acronym of some sort I think... but if you google black dye HPTs you should find them)... anyway... they were about a buck a piece and totally awesome. They told me I was pregnant before the more expensive pharmacy ones did.

    Wishing you so much luck!!

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    1. I've never heard of those before! Black dye HPT? Sounds intriguing. And kind of morbid. Ha! Thanks for the good wishes.

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  87. Hilarious post! I was SO addicted to peeing on sticks. Even after I was finally pregnant and all the blood tests would come back with higher levels, I would keep peeing on the sticks. Crazy, I know.

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    1. There are so many more of us addicts than I ever imagined! I'm imagining us marching down the street for our fundraiser-slash-demonstration-slash-gala-ball, carrying candles. It would be so beautiful...

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  88. I wanted to punch every single person who told me to "just relax, you're trying too hard". Gah. Idiots. I remember the peeing on things addiction. We tried for 7 years to get pregnant and I could fill up a trash dump with all the peed on pregnancy sticks from those years! Now that my uterus has closed up shop, the addiction has lessened. I do still have a pack of 3 under the sink though....

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    1. The only person who ever made me want to smack them was the one who said "tee hee! My husband just looks at me wrong and I get pregnant." GAAARRRRKKKKK!!!!!! Seven years...that's a long time. I'm sorry that you weren't able to get pregnant. :(

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  89. I'm so sorry you are going through this struggle but I love the way you were able to tell it through humor. And I love these pictures.

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    1. Thank you for your kind words, Julia. :)

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  90. Omg, I love this!! And I just had a false alarm myself and was so annoyed that I had to spend $13 on a test.....They should be free.

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    1. But if they were free, I'd probably take one every single time I went to the bathroom.

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  91. Too funny! Taking pregnancy tests gave me such butterflies, I don't think I could handle doing it any more than I had to!

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    1. It's just so hard to keep thinking about it, and not actually test and be sure.

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  92. When people would tell me this, I would usually think "Well YOU should just go F*&k yourself." It became such a automatic response in my mind, that it actually has slipped out. Maybe once. Maybe twice. Maybe eight times, including once to my mom's pastor. Oh well, I thought it was funnier than it was embarrassing. My mom disagrees. Ashley S :)

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    1. BAHAHAHAHA! Best comment of the year!

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  93. This is wonderful! My husband doesn't realize that I fit into the category of the addicted. He asks me if I'm pregnant all the time as a joke, and I can quite honestly answer him with a no. That has earned me several strange looks.

    On a more serious note, there was one time where all of my hormones EXCEPT for the one that indicates pregnancy must have been wonky, because I was nauseous, moody, super late for my period, etc. Both the hubby and I were sure I was pregnant. And then I peed on the stick. When no second line appeared, I burst into tears. I felt like I had lost a baby that apparently wasn't even there. Since then, peeing on sticks has become a regular occurence. I count myself incredibly blessed to have been successful in producing a child, but I still pee on sticks and hope for another. =]

    Thanks so much for sharing!

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    1. I'm both happy and sad that so many people can relate. Honestly, that negative sign is just so deflating. I completely understand what you mean about feeling like you lost a baby that wasn't even there.

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  94. Dollar Pregnancy test are suppose to be quite reliable, and a pack is a buck! I hear you though, if they're in the house, I feel like I gotta pee on them!

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    1. I'm making a trip to the dollar store today. Lots of comments about their HPTs! I hope mine has them!

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  95. I have been there Stephanie!! Thanks for making me laugh about it... Oh, and if you want more sticks to pee on there are ovulation predictors you can pee on!! Sometimes I would pee on those just to get a positive result on a test :) Good luck with your journey!! --- Beth

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