Tuesday, January 17, 2012

The Clay Baboons Interview Guide

So I got a job.


I'm very excited to announce that my mornings will no longer consist of surfing the net for three hours in my pyjamas before walking the dog.

(OK, so maybe I'm going to miss that. A little bit.)

I'm going to be teaching an adult language class. I'm going to have a projector and a spinny chair and only three students. They'll have their own spinny chairs, so I won't have to share mine. And I only have to work from nine until noon.

Dream job? Pretty much!

Anyway, getting ready for job interviews can be stressful. So I thought that I would share some interview tips.

You know, since I once had an interview and got a job.

Which pretty much makes me an expert.

Right?

*disclaimer: The following scenarios are dramatizations.
They are not based on actual events.
They did not actually happen.
Even I'm not that ridiculous.

The author can not be held responsible for your success or lack thereof if you choose to follow these tips.


Tip one: Greet your interviewer with a smile and a firm handshake.


Tip two: be honest.




Tip three: smile and make eye contact.




Tip four: turn negatives into positives.




* this one is, in my opinion, the most trite and obnoxious of all interview tips. If I were interviewing someone and they named "perfectionism" as their flaw, I think that I'd probably throw up all over them. With perfect aim.

Tip five: be prepared with questions at the end.




My actual questions at the end of my actual job interview:

me: Would you like references?
her: You've actually already given them to me!
me (chirping with obnoxious enthusiasm): Well look at me! Aren't I organized!

And question two:

me: Do people work here together?
her: ...
me: Umm, I mean, do people here work in teams or independently?

Tip six: be friendly, but formal.








Please note: I would never initiate a high five. Ever. With anyone. For any reason. High fives stress me out.

What if they hit me too hard?
What if my high five is weak and lame?
What if I miss their hand altogether?

My sister told me once to "keep my eye on the elbow" when giving a high five. Apparently it helps you aim.

Actually, this whole "don't high five the boss" thing was actually a plant. It was a clumsy segue into a series of photographs of me high fiving creatures from previous Clay Baboons stories. This series is inspired by Down Low, Too Slow, Da Cheeseblarg's latest blog post, featuring her high fiving her favourite animals.

What's that you say?

You, too, would like to make a visual representation of yourself high fiving your favourite animal? Well, it isn't too late...just head on over to Cheeseblarg and send her your submissions before midnight tomorrow.

And now let the wild high fiving rumpus begin!








So yeah. I hope that this post will help you get a job. Or something.

54 comments:

  1. HAH. I would worry that I would accidentally high-five someone in the face. Or myself. I do things like that.

    Also: YAY! JOB!

    Of course, I keep hoping I'll get laid off so I don't have to quit my job...

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    1. You and I will never high five should we ever meet in person. We'd both end up with bloody noses. I'm sending lots of job loss vibes your way.

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  2. Replies
    1. And I <3 you, so that works out pretty well.

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  3. Congrats on your job. Spinny chairs are my favorite, and as a rule, I never let one I'm sitting on stop moving completely.
    Interviews are awful--and awkward, and they make me sweat. I don't want to have another one for a long time (ever again).

    *High five (virtual is ok, right? We can plan ahead that we don't miss!).

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    1. Spinny chairs are great for people with short attention spans! If I spin too fast I get motion sickness, though.

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  4. Jobs, as time consuming and mostly annoying as they are, definately improve your sense of responsibility. Or so I hear. Enjoy :)

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    1. Honestly, I'm more concerned about my sense of fashion than I am about my sense of responsibility. I'm going on six months of pyjamas, here.

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  5. I love the high fives...and the interview questions. One of my favorites is "where do you see yourself in 5 years?" (ugh!).
    But yes, interviews are pretty daunting and make me feel ill. Like, no thanks, I'll just stay at the old job/unemployed ill.

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    1. Yeah, that's a pretty awful question. Or - the most awful thing to come from an interviewer's mouth - "Tell me about yourself". Ummmm...what? Are we on a date or something?

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  6. i only high five my nieces. that's it. just too cheesy otherwise.
    interviews are just so not fun. unless you're the one doing the interview. i think all interviews should consist of questions along the lines of "if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?" :)
    another great plasticine people episode - i esp like hopeful eyebrows, wide eyes and frozen smile - definitely me!
    i'm glad your new job is mornings so that you can continue with your creative pursuits (including clay baboons posts) in the afts!!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Oh, high fiving kids is perfectly acceptable. Probably because they have small hands and I just stay very still and let them give ME five, instead of the other way around. And if anyone ever asked me what kind of trees I was, I have no idea what I'd answer. Ha!

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  7. My favorite interview question to date, I think, is "What did you do to prepare for this interview?" Uuuhhh...put on a suit and some nylons? That was pretty much the extent of my preparation. :)

    Congratulations on the new job! And the spinny chair!

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    1. OK, I snorted at this comment. Seriously, if my hair is semi-tame and I'm dressed like a grown-up, then just feel honoured at how prepared I am.

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  8. Love your interview shirt! So fancy!
    Congrats on the job! That is so exciting. I can see you being such a great teacher :)

    I am guilty of using the perfectionism as a flaw in an interview... I still got the job, but now I know better!
    Love the clay, as always. LOVE the zombie high five the most!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Ah, you noticed! Actually, it's a scarf. A fancy scarf. Pretty, right? Ha!

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  9. I admit I've used perfectionism as a flaw in an interview, too! It's such a dumb question. I think it deserves a dumb response!

    Congrats again on your job!

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    1. I like your thought process! Dumb question = dumb answer sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

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  10. I look forward to every single post of yours. I have had interviews with people I could have sworn were zombies. :)

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    1. Zombie interview...that would be a fun post to write!

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  11. Yay. Sounds like a cool job. Your interview tips might come in handy for me one of these days, too. I'll try to remember the high five, especially if I am interviewed by a raccoon or other cute animal.

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    1. Ack! Racoons are NOT cute. They are seriously creepy. Although I have to admit it would be pretty cute to see one lifting its little paw for a high five...

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  12. I've been trying to get myself a summer legal internship. At this point I would relish the opportunity to interview just so I could stop filling out applications...sigh...

    Also, hat is in the mail!

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    1. Good luck getting the internship...applying for jobs is pretty depressing. But on a positive note, you just made my day. I'm so excited to get my hat!

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  13. Great advice :) Interviews are always so obnoxious AND awkward. I hate the flaws question, too. Clearly no one is going to state a REAL flaw--like a love of napping behind computer screens whenever possible. Things I love? Reading resumes. There needs to be some advice out there for those (oh wait--there IS, apparently people just ignore it). That was part of my job at my last company, and oh, hilarious but sad.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I love doodling during meetings. Can I spin that to be a positive? Oh, reading resumes is a whole 'nother post. I cringe at what some people write in their resumes.

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  14. Hi Stephanie
    Just letting you know that I have passed on the Liebster award to you.
    You can read about it here
    http://hartyboys.blogspot.com/2012/01/liebster-blog.html

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  15. Hi Stephanie, sorry to be crude but the high fiving of a zombie, made me snort so much with laughter, that a healthy dollop of the green stuff (I currently have flu) just landed on my keyboard.

    Hilarious posts. Now following.

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    1. Wow. Umm. That's really...uh...flattering. I hope that I can continue to inspire the high-velocity expulsion of bodily fluids. It's a lot of pressure.

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  16. Hi. I found you via cheeseblarg. It would make me so happy to see your rendition of a penguin high five. Actually you don't really need to do it because I already have in my head but I thought you might like that mental image too. I'm off to be a new subscriber on my reader. Thanks for the clay and congratulations on paying the bills and all that jazz.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. And now I think that high fiving a penguin would make me happy too. Keep an eye on my facebook page next week!

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  17. I'm waiting for you to publish a book of your clay figurines and scenarios. Then you have to send me a signed copy.

    It shall be done.

    And that ginormous fly is CUTE for some shudderous reason

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wouldn't that be cool? Actually, I'd still rather publish a novel. But having any book at all would be beyond exciting. Re: the fly...I thought it was cute too. But it's also mutated, because I now realize that I only made it four legs.

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  18. HAHAHAHAHA I love the giant fly high five! Congrats on the job and happy ICLW!

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    1. Thanks! I'm happy to be working (soon).

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  19. Congratulations on the job! The 'do you have any questions' part is the part of the interview I always dread. No matter what question I come prepared with, they always answer it before we get there, and I have to scramble for something or seem disinterested. Ugh!

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    1. I'm with you on that! When I have questions, I just ask them during the interview. And then at the end, I end up digging for questions that make me sound absolutely vapid.

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  20. Yeah for the job! Loved the tips.

    An ICLW Visit from #3 (mfi, speedskating, trying again)
    liddy @ the unfair struggle

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  21. Congrats on the job! Stopping by from ICLW. Great story telling you have going here.

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    1. Thanks! I started today. It was hectic, but good!

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  22. Love the interview tips :). Congrats on getting a job! I love the little clay-mation and will definitely be following along.

    Here from ICLW, I'm #75.

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  23. Hi from ICLW! Ridiculously hilarious! Congrats on your job! Even if it's outside of your awesome net-surfing and dog-walking skills.

    ICLW #60

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    1. Ha! Yeah, I do have some mad web-surfing and dog-walking skills. Now to find a job that's specific to that...

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  24. So funny!!! Congratulations on your new job.

    Happy ICLW!
    #49

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    1. Thanks! It's nice to be working again. :)

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  25. Happy ICLW! I have just read your blog for the first time, but I'm sort of in love with you. Beyond that, congratulations on the job!It's great that you got a job you are going to enjoy and won't be a super time stressor.

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    1. Well, thank you. All that anyone wants is to be loved. Ha!

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